I covered my ears
spent the rest of the day silent
sifting through memories
and burning old letters.
I chasten the tag a longs
those things that haunt
they crowd out my mentors
The meanings seem translucent now
Do not waste those lessons
note them well
post them on the refrigerator
with a magnet made of ice.
I fell into this holy space
resting in my Lily's calm.
I wonder if she knew it.
Maybe
in time.
I have learned a lot
and am still searching.
Lily is me
and I am Lily
and everyone else.
The struggle was not in the forgiving
not on Lily's part
the struggle was in accepting forgiveness
and counting herself worthy of such a gift
of being made to feel whole again.
Being able to say those words
"I love you"
how could she dare?
How could I?
She simply was not worthy
not to her
and it was assumed by her
not to anyone else.
No she would not say them
not for a very long time.
She could not see that flower
and I was not allowed in the garden.
Knowing every single day
that Lily would be here
her loyalties needed to be well spent.
Resting in my Lily's arms
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