A Dark Wanderer in a Free Obituary Search

A Dark Wanderer in a Free Obituary Search

I think sometimes I'll discover me
dark wanderer
in a free obituary search.
I'll find that I have gone past here
and found a different now.

Drawings of scorpions
and grim reaper drawings
gothic angel art?
I forgot to list their names.
I think it is because they sang
so darkly.

Neon Blue slept here
I feared she would.
She got tired of all those noises.
She got tired of all the screams
that made havoc in her mind.
Projected inappropriately
past those midnight walls
Lily heard her
letting them come out.
Lily and I
in the dark holding hands.
And will hear those memories
forever.

Grim reaper
grim reaper
on my walls
and in my bed
late at night
I hear you breathing.
Obituary searches found my name?
You have stained my heart
caused me forever to know sadness
despite tokens of good cheer
tiny angels will not rest here with ease.
Not for me and not for Lily
despite her well dressed protests.


It is with sadness
colored with regret
I hear her
and yet dear Lily
tiny angel
will forever point toward stars.
In the light I see her
still hopeful.
I always have.

And yet..
Moans come from the closet still.
I want to drag them out
wrap them in a blanket
suffocate their need of me
tie them to the other side
of somewhere I can't find again.
I want to become cold
become a calloused word.

Lily won't speak of it to her
she would not recall it anyway
not an honest story she'd remember.
Perfect not to admit to.
Who would?
I will hold back all those tainted fields.
No daisies
no roses planted with care
no little ponds I wished I could maintain
that would love me back
and lend comfort to a little girl.

In times of weakness
Yes, I think sometimes I'll discover me
dark wanderer
in a free obituary search.
I'll find that I have gone past here
and found a different now
yet I know one thing more
secrets shared
I will always find peace in Lily's arms.


copyright 2008
Kathy Ostman-Magnusen




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