A Dark Wanderer in a Free Obituary Search

A Dark Wanderer in a Free Obituary Search

I think sometimes I'll discover me
dark wanderer
in a free obituary search.
I'll find that I have gone past here
and found a different now.

Drawings of scorpions
and grim reaper drawings
gothic angel art?
I forgot to list their names.
I think it is because they sang
so darkly.

Neon Blue slept here
I feared she would.
She got tired of all those noises.
She got tired of all the screams
that made havoc in her mind.
Projected inappropriately
past those midnight walls
Lily heard her
letting them come out.
Lily and I
in the dark holding hands.
And will hear those memories
forever.

Grim reaper
grim reaper
on my walls
and in my bed
late at night
I hear you breathing.
Obituary searches found my name?
You have stained my heart
caused me forever to know sadness
despite tokens of good cheer
tiny angels will not rest here with ease.
Not for me and not for Lily
despite her well dressed protests.


It is with sadness
colored with regret
I hear her
and yet dear Lily
tiny angel
will forever point toward stars.
In the light I see her
still hopeful.
I always have.

And yet..
Moans come from the closet still.
I want to drag them out
wrap them in a blanket
suffocate their need of me
tie them to the other side
of somewhere I can't find again.
I want to become cold
become a calloused word.

Lily won't speak of it to her
she would not recall it anyway
not an honest story she'd remember.
Perfect not to admit to.
Who would?
I will hold back all those tainted fields.
No daisies
no roses planted with care
no little ponds I wished I could maintain
that would love me back
and lend comfort to a little girl.

In times of weakness
Yes, I think sometimes I'll discover me
dark wanderer
in a free obituary search.
I'll find that I have gone past here
and found a different now
yet I know one thing more
secrets shared
I will always find peace in Lily's arms.


copyright 2008
Kathy Ostman-Magnusen




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Drawing of Scorpions and Printable Gifts- A Goddess Post and Mysterious Symptom

Drawings of scorpions
I found them on your desk.
I stood there for hours
wondering from where they called you.
I wondered where you found the strength
to not reach around and bite your own tail
taking the devils gifts to you.

The river seems to need you back
a mysterious symptom
does that surprise you?
I know it surprises me.
There are mysterious symptoms growing here
despite what you whisper
when I'm sleeping.

Music without lyrics
the skeleton dances
no matter the lack of ambiance.
I try to understand its rhythm.
I hoped that you would tell me
secrets un-bandaged
wounds ready to heal
excusing all your objections
precedent communications
left outside to recover on their own.
Left outside for the sun to burn
and blister its feathers.

This goddess post does not belong to me
not anymore.
I should have kept up my dancing.
I forgot to sever my inhibitions
they never seemed to be quite so vivid
until today.
Until today.

I stifled the light
no candles allowed to blink
no printable gifts line the closet
no drawings of scorpions
no broken tiles
nothing will replace this morning.

Beautiful women in competition
floating somewhere on my canvas.
I think I am going through withdrawal.
I will get over it in time.

Spirituality
informations ceases to exist
beyond this day that you excluded me.
Gifts and collectibles candles
wine country gift baskets
please don't bother
I am a madman's tailor.
I will return to my painting
paint this day
line up all the colors
I may have missed.
I will reflect
always
about your drawings of scorpions
all those moments alone
and me
with a pin drop on my head
thinking of you
and wondering about it all.

1 August 2007